Navigating The Journey

Today I stuffed myself into a long white wedding gown and emerged onto the worn gray fitting room stage to the audience of my mom, dad, sister, and overly tired associate. It was so surreal to be in a place that always seemed like a pipe dream and I'm glad I took a moment to soak it in. I found one dress that I liked but it was almost five hundred dollars out of my price range and I just can't justify spending that much unless it's for the good of our family. We ate at a really delicious vegan place which made me feel justified to eat way too many gouda flavored Triscuits after work tonight. Then, I drove to orientation for my new job at my former district. I step back into the old school as a new woman. I'm no longer willing to give my blood, sweat, and tears while administrators bat a blind eye. I'm no longer willing to just settle for mediocrity and I have career goals and aspirations to accomplish. There is so much growth possible in every day and being a mom re...

"Look at this way," he said, "You have two choices and they're both positives." Hanging up the phone, I felt immediately calmer and at the same time anchorless. I know that the time with my Dad on the Earth is entering it's sunset phase and I can only hope that when major life changes come my way, I can somehow embody the wisdom and calmness he consistently brings to the situation. I find myself in a job situation where I am presented with two awesome schools and opportunities. However, it is no longer about me and myself. I could take the full time job at the school I love but it would be a commute and less time with G. I could take a huge pay cut but be in a public district with benefits, no commute, daycare discount, and still part time. Immediately, I know what I should do. Just writing it out brings me clarity (REMEMBER THAT FOR THE FUTURE). Take the pay cut. Continue to work part time. Georgia will only be little once.

Alright so I didn't post everyday BUT I came back and that's something. I think so often I start things and mysteriously drop off when some element of my life gets slightly unhinged. The important part is that I get back up and start again as cheesy as it sounds. I feel like a cloud has lifted off of me and here I sit with a new version of myself. It's almost like I'm relearning who I am again with a little human watching my every step. Fascinating really. I had this terrible dream last night that our wedding invitations never went out, my dress was ruined, and I couldn't find Georgia so I just left work with no explanation and was walking the way back to my childhood home. Wow. The moral of the story is that I realized I could just go to a store like Anthropologie or Free People to get a dress rather than the whole fancy schmancy bridal store. However, it will be a fun ride. Today, We'll go to Home Depot to get teacher appreciation gifts and try to get a walk...

I'm committing. Vowing to write each day. Intending to eat smaller, gentler portions. Letting my worries go so I can be a present partner, mother, and friend. It's easy for me to start when I'm motivated. I do all the research, talk the talk, and then somewhere along the way, fear steps in. A little crack in the peachy keen surface that lets me insecurities or old habits in. Sometimes I look into my future with a little trepidation. I have a loving, caring fiance that loves me unconditionally and through all moments. He is accepting, kind, and giving. I am lucky truly for his love which is why I am working so hard to let some things go. I can model a life of health and proactive habits for my daughter and hopefully, they will transfer to him. I can't always compare people to my Dad. It's unfair and unrealistic. C is the perfect Dad for Georgia. He is her rock, her champion, her protector, and her teacher. We are both blessed for him in our lives. But this isn't ...

I'm sitting here in my empty classroom eating McDonald's oatmeal with a knife researching under-eye concealers. It's a laughable moment and one that I approach with a feeling of appreciation. I have a lot of quirks which much of the general public views as wacky and having a 10 month old tends to shine the spotlight on them with a laser light focus. I guess I hope Georgia sees me as resourceful rather than wacky. Oh Georgia. I realize there was life before you but it feels like it was a half-full cup and you came and filled it to the brim. Now, I try my best to be whole for you as you grow but, in the end, it's our imperfections that let in the most light. Your Mom is not the quickest person at acclimating to changes. I mean, I had the same car for almost 18 years and just keep getting the same sandals year after year rather than going for something new (by the way, thanks Target). It took me probably 10 months to get my rhythm. I'm still getting used to the fact...

       Today my daughter is almost seven months old. I've waited my whole life to become a mom and somewhere in my early 30s, I resigned myself to the idea that I might not have the opportunity. So, when I found out on that chilly November morning in the tiny, fluorescent lit bathroom stall of LA Fitness that I would have the chance to be a mom, my world quaked. My pregnancy was a true dream. Georgia was mellow and would gently kick to let me know she was there. I craved lemonade for the entire time...in fact, it was the last thing I ate before my unexpected c-section and maintained a steady walking routine. I felt blessed that I was able to work through the entire experience with limited morning sickness caused by an empty stomach so I kept pretzel thins with me in the car. The smell of coffee also made my stomach churn. We sang, "You Are My Sunshine" to her every night and talked to her so often.  I took prenatal yoga and slept a lot. I got prenatal massages a...